You, don’t get to steal my light!!

24 May

Never miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if you have to leave them alone in order to do it. ~Author Unknown

My coping mechanism pooped out on me…
In turn I checked out of life.
No, I mean it… like *poof*
I tried to end my life last Dec, so, I totally deserve the bat sh** crazy title! *HaHA*

How’s that for inspiration?

I had a public melt down, I call it doing a Charlie Sheen(so not winning)!! Accept, I wasn’t clever enough to come up with the whole tiger’s blood bit(dang). I was headed down a self destructive path, nothing and I mean nothing was bright and shiny, it was gloomy and dark… I prayed and got nothing out of it, for the first time in my life I felt like God wasn’t with me.
All I could think about was how could I block the pain..? How could I check out of life? How could I drown out all the bad news? Because, it came in droves… I had no silver lining, I had no hope, I had nothing and what was left was an empty shell of a person.
Now you might be thinking to yourself… What on earth?
You’re so strong..
You. Have. No. Idea

I left no note. I was very serious about killing myself. I didn’t reach out to anybody. I wasn’t trying to get attention. The day I did it… I took a fist full of pills and chased it will a glass of alcohol, and, I fell asleep…
The husband found me woke me up and asked me… “What are you doing?”
/>I think I said, “sleeping, and hoping to never wake up”
After that point…
He wasn’t nice to me… He made me vomit… Over and over again.. That’s how it should be… I didn’t deserve a kind person…
I should have gone to the hospital, I refused… I am a psych major I know what they do to people like me…
After that, I agreed to get help…
I was put on medication… I was given a buncha appointments for therapy sessions and now…
I’m recovering.. I’m going to church, I put on clean clothes, I cook, I enjoy life, I finally have peace in my soul.
I digress…
I was diagnosed with clinical depression. It was just a matter of time, I suffer from PTSD, so i wasnt shocked when I was stamped with “Clinical Depression…” Shrugs… It’s Ok… I made my bed… I’ll lay in it…
I will not discuss what got me to that point. It’s an awful equation,,,
I do not like the dark and twisties, that’s why I got help.

I realize by writing this I’m opening up myself for judgement and ridicule, which is fine … Because, that’s how the world rolls… I know people will expect me to be shameful of what I did. Trust me the shame came, when I had to walk into church and face God. I’ve already sorted through those cards already. My God is not a God of anger but love and he has put his arms around me and has forgiven me. So, I don’t need anybody shaking the finger at me. What I hope is that some of you come forward and say yes, D I too am the face of _______ (insert your mental health issue here) Do not live in shame. Help other people understand what you are going through, granted you might have the stigma of she is “crazy” but, if we stand together arm in arm as a collective team, we can show the world that even the bravest and the might suffer too!

I have my dark days … They don’t come that often, but I can cope better… So, right now, all I have left is my sense of humor, and my snark, and I continue to have that because that’s how I deal with my pain, and with my dark days. And I will continue with help. I will no longer be ashamed. It was a super hard pill to swallow. (ba-dump-bump)
I know of people who are going through really bad times. But, just because you are going through a bad time you don’t get to come into my SPACE and push your bad time on me.. Nobody has those rights to take out hate, anger, frustrarions out on anybody just because… They are hurting….

Nobody gets to come and steal my light… After months of me digging myself out of hell…
All I have is my sense of humor and my faith…
You don’t get to steal my light…

2 Responses to “You, don’t get to steal my light!!”

  1. ErinInFL May 25, 2011 at 12:43 pm #

    Very POWERFUL and BRAVE post. You’re right…no one gets to steal your light!

    • My Inner Muse May 25, 2011 at 1:26 pm #

      Thank you!! It’s been a really long journey!! And I’m so glad that part of that chapter is over with!

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