My exotic looks…

22 Apr

It use to be that I hated looking the way I did.  I wanted to “blend” in( whatever that means now)  I wanted to have blond hair and blue eyes and I wanted some “cute” little name like Alexis or Casey.  Anything BUT, Dolores.  Do you even know what Dolores means in Spanish?  PAIN it means PAIN!!  Who on earth would name their children PAIN!???   (ROLLS EYES)  I was an ugly duckling… I was awkward and my nose (STILL HATE MY NOSE) looked like a beak(still a beak)…  Brown hair and brown eyes??… BORING!  I was UGLY!  So, when I was going through grade school of course I was chubby…  AND yep(not quite sure if you thinking it… )  BIG bottle cap glasses…  blah… 
I was chubby until I went to California.  My relatives really didn’t like me being over weight so, they watched everything I would eat and criticized me for putting anything in my mouth other then carrots and salad and made my chubby behind learn what exercising was all about! 
(IN comes my hatred for the bicycle and situps…)
And the fun part was… Welcome eating disorder(no joke here)  I did lose a TON of weight that summer,at the age of 12 I was 120 I got down to 90( I am not quite sure how much 12 year olds are supposed to weigh so)…  And STILL my beloved Auntie critized me because I wasn’t as SKINNY as she wanted me to be…( I wasn’t as thin as her daughter…) 
I wanted to keep the weight off and I did, I was already a cheerleader( a chubby one) but, never the less a cheerleader!  I had people complimenting me and I even had boys starting to like me! 
They liked me because I lost all the weight not because, I had brown eyes and brown hair…   
EVen when you did grow up in a military community you had your clicks, it was hard to break into them.  And I did ONLY after I lost a ton of weight and was introduced to contacts.   (why are we so shallow??)
So, thereafter, I pretty much embraced my looks(beak and all).  I didn’t become uncomfortable with my looks again until I got here…  Even still…  NO southern belle could beat my hot sexy mix–  Italian, French, Spanish, Mexican, Native American….  BEAT THAT!!! 
Point is…  I am pretty much back to were I was back then, FAT, BLAH although being brunette ROCKS…  But, you know what I mean?  I am back THERE… and I know it’s all within my control BUT, still it’s hard to be in a society were sex sells and in order to be beautiful you have to be thin! 

I look at my beautiful daughter and I hope to GOD I can instill self esteem in her! I do not want to go through everyday wishing she is or looked like somebody else.  I do understand all children have their awkward stage, but I want to be a better role model during that hard time.. BETTER then what I had.   I tell her everyday how pretty she is… Because she REALLY is… And I am not just saying that.  She has big brown light eyes and light brown hair oh and her tan what a beautiful color she gets…  I just never want her to say 15 years from now that I set a bad example and I made her feel less then… 

So, here is my question…  DO our parents really mold our self esteem or do we as individuals create our own high or low self esteem?


5 Responses to “My exotic looks…”

  1. FXSmom April 22, 2008 at 7:35 pm #

    I do think our parents mold our self-esteem. I was adopted into a very white family. I am a mix of German, Jamaican, Puerto Rican, Cherokee, and Lord know what else. I have the Puerto Rican butt. I have the Jamaican lips. I’m a giant mess!! My adopted family teased me. Still do. My school is 95% white so I got harassed there too. It sucked. I too lost way too much weight. Now I’m on the opposite end of the scale. It is all just a big mess how our world works.

  2. Becky April 22, 2008 at 7:54 pm #

    Eeek. I don’t know, really.

    I think that I created my own inflated ego, but I don’t know about other people.

  3. Jenny April 23, 2008 at 1:19 am #

    I think parents have a lot to do with it, not only through what they say to us, but also their attitudes towards themselves.

    If a mother is constantly saying how fat she is and how life would be different/better if she were thin, children absorb that and begin to judge themselves by those same standards. If a parent focuses on becoming healthier, stonger and more fit. those become the standards.

    And let’s not underrate the power of their peers.

    However, there comes a point where a person has to take responsibility for themself and learn to create their own self esteem.

  4. theramblinghousewife April 23, 2008 at 3:40 am #

    I think parents help mold self-esteem by helping their children learn to be independent.

    It’s a difficult balance . ..You don’t want to create a false sense of self-esteem, but you want your children to be confident . . .

  5. Tabitha May 9, 2009 at 11:06 pm #

    I think parents really do mould it.
    I’m 17 and for my whole life i’ve never been good enough for my mum. Too fat, so i lost the weight, too skinny and now she complains. She’s always made me feel like i was a mistake. I get told i’m beautiful by so many people i get attention and everything from boys, girls, everyone. But the thing is, in my mind if i’m not good enough for someone who is supposed to love me unconditionally because its her job as a mother to do that, i can never be good enough for anyone. So i don’t believe any of the compliments and it scares me when people say they love me. I have low self esteem and i believe completely its because of her.

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