What hurts the most…

12 May

Yesterday was mother’s day   If you are a mother, expecting, or grandmother please celebrate it and embrace YOUR day…  IT’s day a YOU earned it’s a day you should be pampered and taken care of!  Make it a special day…  Make it amazing!!

Whereas, I did have a wonderful mother’s day…  I was a little heart heavy.   Last year during this time I was getting over the events that happened during that week. 
May 9th marked a year that I almost lost my youngest son.  I know i didn’t!  So, I know what you guys are thinking you should be celebrating his life.  YOU didn’t lose him!  And so many of you are right.  But, what lingers inside my soul is what I am TRYING to get over.

It was a normal day just like any other sleep deprived day…
i got up.
Made my bottles.
Made my coffee.
I had a WIC appt that day… ( drama of course!!)
The boys were laying in their portable bassinet.
Gabrial was stirring.
So, I figured I would try and nurse him before I left
My mom was on the couch and we had normal conversation.
I felt him latch on… 
I have no idea hwat was the time span but, I am sure it’ s not much.
He stopped I thought he was sleeping.
So I just held him close to me. 
It was time for me to go and I turned him over and he didn’t look right.  I didn’t want to panic, so I laid him down.  He was blue around his lips, and I kinda shook him…  “Gabrial” no response… ” Gabrial’, no response, I screamed…   My mom shouted CPR Dolores DO CPR
I looked listen and felt NOTHING.  No heart beat No breath No life… PERIOD…
The seconds  that were tipping he became blue… My pink warm baby was blue and cold….
Ist round of CPR nothing… 
2nd round of CPR…  Nothing
I SCREAMED AGAIN…  Dear God No!  Please GOD You promised!  You PROMISED!!  PLEASE ….  I was going to start another round of CPR but, FROZE I couldn’t move…  I had a blue cold baby…  NO!!  NO!! NO!! 
During the time i was doing CPR my mom ran in and got a neighbor who happened to work at the NICU for a bit…   Just as I was going to resume my third round she came in and resumed.  I prayed like I have never prayed before…  And in the seconds that followed I watched the life of my child go right before my eyes…  From the moment we found out we were having twins… 
To the moment we brought them home…  
Changing diapers… 
Making bottles…  Nursing…. 
All the joy…  Both the little boys bring into our lives…  And in that moment…  I could lose one.  It was just too much to take. 
Then for about five mins.  My neighbor preformed CPR and all I could do was pray… 
He cried then, he would stop, he would cry then he would start up again…
EMS finally came…
And the rest?
A week in Peds-ICU, he came home with an Apnea Monitor every single time  that damn went off…  I panicked…  My life was consumed by panic and worthlessness….
At least it didn’t have to be.  But, I was diagnosed with PPD.  So, everything that happened from that moment on…  Was multiplied by 1,000…  What finally put the nail in the coffin…?  Was when one of my husband’s scorned women…  Decided she was going to sue us for a good bit of money…  She needed vindication, she needed validation she needed to be told she was right…  She gave us a deadline to pay the money or else…  Well, I have to tell you what this did to me…  I came a wreck…  I became paranoid…  It was awful… 
So, not only did I have worry about  my son’s apnea monitor going off, dealing with the fact that my SON almost died, I now had this date looming over my head… 
The date came and went and according to her she “spared” my husband because, she could have “ruined” his life… 
Never and I mean NEVER would I do this to anybody!  Never would I want to inflict more pain on a family that has just gone through such a traumatic ordeal…  It’s selfish…  But, then again if you knew this person…  Professionally she is awesome… Personally?  I will stop right there…
I was a mess…  I really was… 
Forgive?   I can tell you I don’t want to!  At least I am honest!  But, who am I hurting in the long run?  Myself…

I cried yesterday… I cried for Aunt Becky from Mommy Wants Vodka who just had her second miscarriage.  i write to you and offer, these words of comfort Honey and I had two miscarriages one Aug of 05 and one in July of 06, then we were blessed with twins…  Keep your head up!

I cried for Beth, from I should be folding laundry who lost her twin boys…  She was 26 weeks when she lost her twins…  I often wonder why things happen the way they do! 

Mother’s Day a day to be celebrated, a day for mommies to feel special for all the hard work we do…  
The first Anniversary is the worst!   So, I am sure things will get better…  I have faith!  I do!!  I know things will be better!! 
I will forgive the people who hurt me, because I can’t hold this anger with me any longer and the most important thing of all…  I will forgive myself! 

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3 Responses to “What hurts the most…”

  1. Chris Austria May 12, 2008 at 3:13 pm #

    Yes, you have to forgive yourself because your children need you to forgive yourself. Thank you for sharing this. I know it was difficult to do so.

  2. Becky May 12, 2008 at 4:12 pm #

    Oh, that must have been just awful to relive. I cannot imagine. I just cannot imagine.

    It’s been a shitty time of year for everyone, it seems.

    *sighs*

    Happy Mother’s Day.

  3. theramblinghousewife May 13, 2008 at 2:15 pm #

    Just awful!

    So very scary and traumatizing.

    Something similar to that happened to me, when my youngest was just a day old.

    He had a couple of “blue/apnea” spells. But we did not have to do CPR. We just had to jiggle him, if that makes sense.

    Turns out he was born with horrific reflux that was causing the apnea spells.

    He had to be hospitalized for a couple of days until the reflux meds kicked in, and after that he was good to go.

    But I completely know what you mean, about, “panic.” I was very panicked myself for a while . . .on pins and needles . . .

    But your situation sounds far more scary than mine was . . .so I could only imagine . . .

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