I thought I was healing(theme song Thurs)

7 Jun

I suffer from PTSD.  Long story short when I was nursing my youngest  premie son, just days after he got out the hospital, his heart stopped and his he stopped breathing, he was blue… He was dead ( basically ).  And I had to perform CPR..  It was one of the most traumatic things I have ever had to go through…  

I thought I was recovering from it. 

Until this past weekend. We went to Alabama and their’s a new addition to the family…  I kept away from the  baby, it cried, somebody else picked it up I cringed, not because the crying baby bothered me, I just didn’t want to be around the baby, the baby was cute, as cute as cute can be, but, I didn’t get the warm fuzzies, I didn’t get that awwww feeling… I just wanted to be as far away from the baby as I could.  Don’t get me wrong, I like babies…  I just don’t want anything to do with them! 

I have four kids… I love my children with every fiber of my being… I would lay my give my life for my children… I just can’t see another baby and get the warm fuzzies… I have to “pretend…”

I’m broken this isn’t natural for a women…  Something is wrong with me!  Husband says it’s part of my PTSD I haven’t unlocked yet.  Maybe?  Should I go back to counseling or should I just avoid the germ suckers altogether? 
How do I fix this???

I should have wanted to pick up the baby and smother it with kisses
I should have wanted to just love on that baby and take in the new baby smell…
I should have wanted to help that new mommy as much as I could. 

I couldn’t.  I just froze.  Annoyed even.  I just wanted to crawl into a hole and just RUN away from the baby as fast as, my short lil stubby legs could take me. 

What’s wrong with me?  I’m broken. 
Now, I see a pregnant women, I think WHAT a beautiful women…  carrying a life.  It’s just the aftermath that I can’t deal with… BABIES…

When I see a baby…  All I can think about is my blue lifeless limp baby in my arms…  dangling there…  I did two rounds of CPR and nothing…  A neighbor breathed life into my infant, and for the life of me I can’t remember. I can’t remember May-Aug…
I got up in the morning fed the babies and lived…
I can’t remember anything else… 

Hi I’m Dolores
I don’t want to hold your baby… 
I don’t want to feed your baby, or change its diaper… 
I’m sorry… I’m broken… 
And I don’t know how to fix me!  If anybody can help me…. 
I’m bitter and I’m still angry for many many reasons…

Sigh…  I’m a mess… Here’s my song… I’m willing to take words of wisdom for my semi confused and broken heart!


5 Responses to “I thought I was healing(theme song Thurs)”

  1. Heather June 7, 2010 at 10:16 am #

    You’re fine.

    Well, that, or I’m crazy too. 😉

    I don’t like babies any more either. I still kind of want one, but not really.

    Maybe we should go to counseling together.

  2. Jenny June 7, 2010 at 12:03 pm #

    Are you calling me broken and unnatural?

    I don’t like babies. Never have. All they do is eat, sleep, and poop – these are not interestng activities. I like kids much better when they’re old enough to be reasoned with and taught bad habits.

    If it’s blind terror of babies, you should probably look into counseling. They *are* every where. If it truly bothers you that you’re not interested in babies, sure talk to someone. But, if you just don’t like babies… meh, no big deal. Just because society expects you to fawn over them doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you if you don’t want to.

    (OK, so maybe I *hate* your baby is a bit harsh… but the rest of it is pretty dead on…)

  3. Shannon June 7, 2010 at 7:47 pm #

    I’m broken then too! I love my son with all my heart but I don’t want to be around babies. When my niece had her second baby I didn’t want to hold her, coo over her or really be around her. Idk but I do so understand this

  4. My Inner Muse June 7, 2010 at 10:11 pm #

    @ Heather maybe we should start a support group? 🙂 Name is something catchy? (Im Horriable @ coming up with names!!) I’m broken… I love looking at babies from afar… I just don’t like them… Yeah, Im crazy! haha
    I stay away from the baby section unless it’s to buy diapers… I don’t stay in the section long…

    @Jenny – You rock! You always have the right things to say! It’s a women’s choice nothing more nothing less!

    @Shannon- I know… It’s a strange feeling huh?? It’s weird for a women not to want to be around a baby! I guess All three of us need a support group… The NO I DONT WANT TO HOLD YOUR BABY!!

  5. Jenny June 8, 2010 at 11:44 am #

    I still maintain there’s nothing wrong with not being a “Baby Grabber.” Babies are like animals in the wild, best observed from a distance.

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