Demons…

12 May

I know these blog post’s have been heavy. This one is no different…. it is something that needs to come into life. Maybe I can heal?

I die inside every single time I see a post about a women being attacked… It never gets any easier… Because it reminds me about the time I was date raped. Sadly, this is so common. And like myself it’s never reported, it’s never out in the open.. And like myself you live in shame.
And like myself words spread you are “easy”, I lost my boyfriend because, he thought I had “slept around” The guy who did this to me… Paraded his “conquest” in everybody’s face… Word spread about the “fun time he had with my body” — Yet, he left out one main fact: I was passed out, when I did come to, to find this sweaty hot body on top of mine.. He covered my mouth so I couldn’t scream… I died that day… A part of my soul is gone.. Still to think about it.. I am shaking..
I was so so so stupid, young, trusting… 17 hardly an adult.
A question was asked. “When does one get over being raped?”
Here is the hard ugly facts… You never do!
You never get over it.
You are reminded of it every time you read something, see something on TV and when it happens to somebody you know. The pain comes back. The dirty feeling surfaces. You die inside all over again.
What you do learn is to cope.
You learn to live with the fact that you have been violated.. For me… It was something I thought I deserved. I should have never gotten drunk. I knew underage drinking was bad. A sin. So, I totally deserved it.
So, I lived with this …
It wasn’t until I was much older that I took back control! Rape isn’t a crime of passion, it’s about control. I guess, I had emasculated this guy so, he thought he would “teach me a lesson” …
I’m here to tell you it’s never your fault to get raped. It’s never your fault to be violated.

From that point, I thought I was trash. I made all the wrong choices. Got into a horrible abusive marriage. Both physically and mental. I didn’t think I deserved any better… And again… Was robbed of so much. I was nothing and that is what I thought I deserved!
But you don’t. nobody does.

I lived like that for years. Darkest days of my life…
I ask that you not say to me “I’m sorry” I ask that you see the strength it took for me to come forward and tell you about my past, my short coming…
My hope is that were I failed YOU my reader… Take a bigger stand that I could not take! I’m facing my demons. My eating disorder, me being violated…

What are you facing? What deep secrets do you have locked away? Take off the face of shame. Come forward… Don’t live in shame… Take. Back. Control…

I just did … So. Can.You!

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4 Responses to “Demons…”

  1. Frelle May 18, 2011 at 7:17 pm #

    thank you for being brave and sharing your story. Much respect for you, and i linked up with The Band today as well. This was my first visit to your blog, and I am so glad I came by to read about you! *HUG*

    • My Inner Muse May 23, 2011 at 10:27 pm #

      Hey, thank you for stopping by!! It was a super hard blog to write… I’m glad I did though! Take care! See you in the band!

  2. Sunday May 19, 2011 at 6:29 pm #

    i am so sorry for your pain, but a am inspired by bravery!

    • My Inner Muse May 23, 2011 at 10:28 pm #

      Thank you! That is why I wrote it! ((hugs))

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