Archive | June, 2011

He. Lied.

20 Jun

I’ll never hurt you
Then why did you throw me down the stairs.
“I’ll never cheat on you
Then why all those women?”
“I am not like other men”
No, you are worse.
“I love you”
He couldn’t even say if he ever did…  I was a “great time”

I have a sordid past.

I am ok with that.

A couple of years ago, I got an email that stopped me in my tracks.
I came face to face with a man I literally ran away from.
I left like a thief in the night.  I can remember it like it was yesterday.  Had I not left, I have no idea where I would be.  Maybe six feet under.

The day I went back into the house, to pack my bag, I remember going room by room…  Remembering every little bit of happiness and pain.  It was like a moving picture that was being played out in front of me. I looked at the wall he threw me against.  I leaned up against it and cried the saddest cry you ever heard.
I knew I was never coming back.

The night before he left to go be with the women he was cheating on me with, I begged him not to leave me.  I look back and that is my one regret…
Begging…
One of the last things he told me was…  “Where is your dignity?”
I will never forget it.  Best thing he ever said to me.

I packed my two bags and left…  Leaving behind a whole world of “stuff’  I rebuilt my life on two suit cases.

The email…

You might be thinking did I email back?

Yes…

His life…  Turned out to be crap.  Were he would chastise me about my weight, he had gained 300 pounds…
He “love” of his life left him..
The daughter I called my step-daughter turned out …  Wasn’t his…
He still has to pay child support…
He was wounded in war and was medically discharged from the Army, I knew just what that did to him.  Damn fine solider.  Just a low-life of a man…
Do I hate him?
No, I wouldn’t be half the women I am without him.
“Where’s your dignity?”
Best. Thing. Ever!

If you are in an abusive relationship.  You can get help.  Reach out.  Get out.  If I did it anybody can.  Trust me.  Your soul will thank you.

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I’ll start by drinking old cheap bottles of wine…

7 Jun

I am not going to make it here…
I can feel my tank dipping out really quick.
I thought coming “home” I would feel free…  Nope…  It’s worse here then in my other situation.
No cryptic blog…
It’s all out honesty..

Remember that blog post I wrote about how we need to be more courteous to people?  Because everybody you meet is fighting a battle?(you know the one I talk about trying to  off myself!)  Well a supposed friend (who is no longer a friend…) Took the blog post totally out of context and make it all about her…  Never mind the blog was a “blanket” statement I never mentioned her…  I never said anything about her…  She called me a Bitch, and a five-year old… Blah blah blah…
Then I said I had a fracture on my lower back and she fired back with ” I got what I deserved for being mean…  That was my KARMA”
In turn…I guess every BAD that is going on in her family they deserve it just as equally because they must have been mean…  It’s her family’s Karma…
How stupid does that sound…?? I even snorted out loud typing that…
Again…My tank is empty…

Were is my tolerance?
Why can’t I just have tolerance for people?
I mean how much do I have tolerate?  I know, I know… I am Christian and what would Jesus do?  Right…??
What happens when my sanity depends on things being just right in my world?  Adapt?
What if you feel your light and fire slowly burning?
Pray harder?
I guess… I will remain stead fast as I have through all these month and continue to fight!
What else can I do…?  It’s not like I can try and off myself again.. I tried that and failed… So, I gues I am supposed to live!  HAHA!!

So, I will go and pick up a bottle of wine… Have a glass and just see what new adventures await me…
In the mean time I will keep myself out of a padded room!  Sounds good!  Thanks for coming by!  XOXOXOX

A big thank you to those who supported me with that blog post…  It was a hard one to write… It took courage and guts… You guys rock!