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Has it really been that long…

13 Oct

Notice I didn’t put the question mark? Because I know how long it has been. WOW! Oops…  I am not going to be using all caps, I just thought that this one time it was appropriate…
I cannot even tell you how my life has changed. Lets see, the twins are ten. The boy and the girl 18 and 17. I am 41 42? Shit…  I will ask the man when he is lucid.
Still making the same stupid mistakes I made ten years ago. I know shame on me. In other ways I have grown.  Like… Oh, I have no idea. Give me a moment it will come to me.  Maybe I haven’t changed?  Wiser?  Maybe not? I cannot even remember how old I am.  I think once you become a certain age, it just doesn’t matter.  Creams – now that matters!  Oh, and eye creams those matter.  (ha)
To be honest I have no idea where to start? Should I just jump in? or should I start where I left off?
What’s the fun in that?
Always keeping them wanting more?
No, clue?

If you came here to think I am going to gossip or talk about this or that, you’re wrong. Very wrong. See I guess I have learned a few things. I have no juicy stuff to give you.  Well, that is so not true. But, that would be tacky of me. So, I think I will just write about my teachable moments. I have picked up on this journey of my ever evolving self.  Somebody once said a person can’t change.
I do not know about that. I would like to believe that people can see the error their ways and long to become a better person.
But, I have seen the worst in humans and honestly? That’s all I have seen.  That is what I have taken away from this journey, the worst in human beings. My glass is full with craft beer. So, I could be seeing things through the clarity of my thick stout.
Where have the good gone? I have found *some* good.  But, for the most part, I keep people at an arms length.  Shifty was what it was called. (Not to be confused with Shwifty). Ah, yes we will discuss that topic at a later date.
I was once told I was, “trying to fit in with the cool people”. Fuck that! And are you fucking kidding me? I have seen what the cool crowd can bring to the table.  Yeah, how about no thanks.
I do have a few good people in my life.  My circle is super small, and where it seems like I have a lot of friends, those people would be very shocked to know just how little they do know about me.
I will just stick to people thinking I am nothing more then a pretty face trying, no begging to be part of cool kids …. Serislouly though I hope your liver gives out. (joking)
Oh, please forgive me, I have developed a sick dry sense of humor. Sorry.

I have broken up with alcohol on a certain level. I am no longer a cheap drunk.  This women here is a very expensive drunk, thank you very much.  So, that has changed.  Tap… Tap… This thing even on?

I guess we will see…
Buckle up bitches we are in for one hell of a ride!  I’m back!  Ready….? Ok…  See you soon!

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I’m fighting Zombies!

21 Jan

I am on this top-secret mission to kill zombies that the government is trying to keep from the public.  Is a matter of a fact you reading this could totally put yourself in danger.  You have been warned!

(True Story)

I could totally re-hash how shitty things have been.  What’s the point?  Trust me when I say as of right now.  (Aside from killing Zombies)  My world is awesome.

 

 

I’ve been found out…

4 Aug

This is no longer my safe haven.   Whereas, people know me but, I’ve got some big stuff going on right now and I need an outlet.  I have started another blog and if you are interested in reading that… Then, I will be more then happy to give you the address.  If not then…  This blog is not going to be ont he same topics as it has been since I have started.  It will be about “stuff”  …

Thank you for all the support you have given me over the years. It means more to me then you’ll ever know!  Even the haters and the trolls.  You provided me with awesome entertainment.

So, I will catch you on the “lighter” side.  So, respond here if you would like to know my other blog!

He. Lied.

20 Jun

I’ll never hurt you
Then why did you throw me down the stairs.
“I’ll never cheat on you
Then why all those women?”
“I am not like other men”
No, you are worse.
“I love you”
He couldn’t even say if he ever did…  I was a “great time”

I have a sordid past.

I am ok with that.

A couple of years ago, I got an email that stopped me in my tracks.
I came face to face with a man I literally ran away from.
I left like a thief in the night.  I can remember it like it was yesterday.  Had I not left, I have no idea where I would be.  Maybe six feet under.

The day I went back into the house, to pack my bag, I remember going room by room…  Remembering every little bit of happiness and pain.  It was like a moving picture that was being played out in front of me. I looked at the wall he threw me against.  I leaned up against it and cried the saddest cry you ever heard.
I knew I was never coming back.

The night before he left to go be with the women he was cheating on me with, I begged him not to leave me.  I look back and that is my one regret…
Begging…
One of the last things he told me was…  “Where is your dignity?”
I will never forget it.  Best thing he ever said to me.

I packed my two bags and left…  Leaving behind a whole world of “stuff’  I rebuilt my life on two suit cases.

The email…

You might be thinking did I email back?

Yes…

His life…  Turned out to be crap.  Were he would chastise me about my weight, he had gained 300 pounds…
He “love” of his life left him..
The daughter I called my step-daughter turned out …  Wasn’t his…
He still has to pay child support…
He was wounded in war and was medically discharged from the Army, I knew just what that did to him.  Damn fine solider.  Just a low-life of a man…
Do I hate him?
No, I wouldn’t be half the women I am without him.
“Where’s your dignity?”
Best. Thing. Ever!

If you are in an abusive relationship.  You can get help.  Reach out.  Get out.  If I did it anybody can.  Trust me.  Your soul will thank you.

I’ll start by drinking old cheap bottles of wine…

7 Jun

I am not going to make it here…
I can feel my tank dipping out really quick.
I thought coming “home” I would feel free…  Nope…  It’s worse here then in my other situation.
No cryptic blog…
It’s all out honesty..

Remember that blog post I wrote about how we need to be more courteous to people?  Because everybody you meet is fighting a battle?(you know the one I talk about trying to  off myself!)  Well a supposed friend (who is no longer a friend…) Took the blog post totally out of context and make it all about her…  Never mind the blog was a “blanket” statement I never mentioned her…  I never said anything about her…  She called me a Bitch, and a five-year old… Blah blah blah…
Then I said I had a fracture on my lower back and she fired back with ” I got what I deserved for being mean…  That was my KARMA”
In turn…I guess every BAD that is going on in her family they deserve it just as equally because they must have been mean…  It’s her family’s Karma…
How stupid does that sound…?? I even snorted out loud typing that…
Again…My tank is empty…

Were is my tolerance?
Why can’t I just have tolerance for people?
I mean how much do I have tolerate?  I know, I know… I am Christian and what would Jesus do?  Right…??
What happens when my sanity depends on things being just right in my world?  Adapt?
What if you feel your light and fire slowly burning?
Pray harder?
I guess… I will remain stead fast as I have through all these month and continue to fight!
What else can I do…?  It’s not like I can try and off myself again.. I tried that and failed… So, I gues I am supposed to live!  HAHA!!

So, I will go and pick up a bottle of wine… Have a glass and just see what new adventures await me…
In the mean time I will keep myself out of a padded room!  Sounds good!  Thanks for coming by!  XOXOXOX

A big thank you to those who supported me with that blog post…  It was a hard one to write… It took courage and guts… You guys rock!

40 before 40 …

25 May

Well, Un-Judgement Day came and went…
The Twittah, was all abuzz! And it was grand! (because The Friends over on The Facebook… Just don’t care!)
My good friend over at My Beautiful Chaos tagged me in a “bucket list” post I had already started one… It is my 40 before 40 so I will go ahead and share some of these with you…

1. Do 3 marathons in a year
2. See a Cubbies vs Braves game
3. Become a triathlete
4. Dip my feet in a clear blue ocean
5. Buy a big floppy hat and rock it
6. See the Kentucky Derby up close and personal
7. Maintain my goal weight
8. See Chris Tomlin in concert
9. Do a project 365
10. Go to a Daytona 500
11. Go to Carlitos Bakery
12. Learn how to sew
13. Learn how to make a killer cupcake
14. Go back to Niagara Falls
15. Take a cruise
16. Go see Harry Potter land
17. Do a muddy buddy
18. Learn how to make wine
19. Grow something…

You, don’t get to steal my light!!

24 May

Never miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if you have to leave them alone in order to do it. ~Author Unknown

My coping mechanism pooped out on me…
In turn I checked out of life.
No, I mean it… like *poof*
I tried to end my life last Dec, so, I totally deserve the bat sh** crazy title! *HaHA*

How’s that for inspiration?

I had a public melt down, I call it doing a Charlie Sheen(so not winning)!! Accept, I wasn’t clever enough to come up with the whole tiger’s blood bit(dang). I was headed down a self destructive path, nothing and I mean nothing was bright and shiny, it was gloomy and dark… I prayed and got nothing out of it, for the first time in my life I felt like God wasn’t with me.
All I could think about was how could I block the pain..? How could I check out of life? How could I drown out all the bad news? Because, it came in droves… I had no silver lining, I had no hope, I had nothing and what was left was an empty shell of a person.
Now you might be thinking to yourself… What on earth?
You’re so strong..
You. Have. No. Idea

I left no note. I was very serious about killing myself. I didn’t reach out to anybody. I wasn’t trying to get attention. The day I did it… I took a fist full of pills and chased it will a glass of alcohol, and, I fell asleep…
The husband found me woke me up and asked me… “What are you doing?”
/>I think I said, “sleeping, and hoping to never wake up”
After that point…
He wasn’t nice to me… He made me vomit… Over and over again.. That’s how it should be… I didn’t deserve a kind person…
I should have gone to the hospital, I refused… I am a psych major I know what they do to people like me…
After that, I agreed to get help…
I was put on medication… I was given a buncha appointments for therapy sessions and now…
I’m recovering.. I’m going to church, I put on clean clothes, I cook, I enjoy life, I finally have peace in my soul.
I digress…
I was diagnosed with clinical depression. It was just a matter of time, I suffer from PTSD, so i wasnt shocked when I was stamped with “Clinical Depression…” Shrugs… It’s Ok… I made my bed… I’ll lay in it…
I will not discuss what got me to that point. It’s an awful equation,,,
I do not like the dark and twisties, that’s why I got help.

I realize by writing this I’m opening up myself for judgement and ridicule, which is fine … Because, that’s how the world rolls… I know people will expect me to be shameful of what I did. Trust me the shame came, when I had to walk into church and face God. I’ve already sorted through those cards already. My God is not a God of anger but love and he has put his arms around me and has forgiven me. So, I don’t need anybody shaking the finger at me. What I hope is that some of you come forward and say yes, D I too am the face of _______ (insert your mental health issue here) Do not live in shame. Help other people understand what you are going through, granted you might have the stigma of she is “crazy” but, if we stand together arm in arm as a collective team, we can show the world that even the bravest and the might suffer too!

I have my dark days … They don’t come that often, but I can cope better… So, right now, all I have left is my sense of humor, and my snark, and I continue to have that because that’s how I deal with my pain, and with my dark days. And I will continue with help. I will no longer be ashamed. It was a super hard pill to swallow. (ba-dump-bump)
I know of people who are going through really bad times. But, just because you are going through a bad time you don’t get to come into my SPACE and push your bad time on me.. Nobody has those rights to take out hate, anger, frustrarions out on anybody just because… They are hurting….

Nobody gets to come and steal my light… After months of me digging myself out of hell…
All I have is my sense of humor and my faith…
You don’t get to steal my light…