Demons…

12 May

I know these blog post’s have been heavy. This one is no different…. it is something that needs to come into life. Maybe I can heal?

I die inside every single time I see a post about a women being attacked… It never gets any easier… Because it reminds me about the time I was date raped. Sadly, this is so common. And like myself it’s never reported, it’s never out in the open.. And like myself you live in shame.
And like myself words spread you are “easy”, I lost my boyfriend because, he thought I had “slept around” The guy who did this to me… Paraded his “conquest” in everybody’s face… Word spread about the “fun time he had with my body” — Yet, he left out one main fact: I was passed out, when I did come to, to find this sweaty hot body on top of mine.. He covered my mouth so I couldn’t scream… I died that day… A part of my soul is gone.. Still to think about it.. I am shaking..
I was so so so stupid, young, trusting… 17 hardly an adult.
A question was asked. “When does one get over being raped?”
Here is the hard ugly facts… You never do!
You never get over it.
You are reminded of it every time you read something, see something on TV and when it happens to somebody you know. The pain comes back. The dirty feeling surfaces. You die inside all over again.
What you do learn is to cope.
You learn to live with the fact that you have been violated.. For me… It was something I thought I deserved. I should have never gotten drunk. I knew underage drinking was bad. A sin. So, I totally deserved it.
So, I lived with this …
It wasn’t until I was much older that I took back control! Rape isn’t a crime of passion, it’s about control. I guess, I had emasculated this guy so, he thought he would “teach me a lesson” …
I’m here to tell you it’s never your fault to get raped. It’s never your fault to be violated.

From that point, I thought I was trash. I made all the wrong choices. Got into a horrible abusive marriage. Both physically and mental. I didn’t think I deserved any better… And again… Was robbed of so much. I was nothing and that is what I thought I deserved!
But you don’t. nobody does.

I lived like that for years. Darkest days of my life…
I ask that you not say to me “I’m sorry” I ask that you see the strength it took for me to come forward and tell you about my past, my short coming…
My hope is that were I failed YOU my reader… Take a bigger stand that I could not take! I’m facing my demons. My eating disorder, me being violated…

What are you facing? What deep secrets do you have locked away? Take off the face of shame. Come forward… Don’t live in shame… Take. Back. Control…

I just did … So. Can.You!

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I’m doing it so can you…

9 May

 I started a blog post… And it wasn’t jiving with me.  I even had a case of writers block…
Talking about recovering from bulimia is hard… 
But, I want it to talk about it…  I want people to know about the harm,  bulimia has on the body both physically and mentally.  Then, today I saw a tweet talking New Years Resolutions. The light went off!!  Like most people I make them, and like most people I never keep them.   Accept last year.  I keep every single last one of them!

I was accountable!
I lost weight!
I got healthy!
I did 9 5k’s!
I allowed myself to make mistakes!
I allowed myself to be human!
I went back myself loving myself!! 

In 2009 I almost died from what was supposed to be a “simple procedure”,  I was 33 and I had to get a partial hysterectomy.  What I walked away with was; Pulmonary emboli, a stay in ICU, two weeks in the hospital, two pints of blood later …  Not to mention my year’s recovery process,  oh and then the domino effect it had on my health. 

I went back into the hospital a month later to be diagnosed with pusedo tumor cerebri.  (Say that fast five times! Ha) 
Oh, I am just warming up! 
That’s when I was told, “if you lose weight it will help your condition”
I died inside.
I thought about all the abuse I had ever done to my body.
All those years of laxatives, bingeing and purging, diuretics…
I needed to make serious changes!
I couldn’t live like this..
My body still needed to heal.
My soul…
My mind…
Finally.
Healed.
I got out of the hospital with another round of meds on Dec 31…  Where I made this promise to myself.  “I promised to lose weight the healthy way.  For family.  For myself!” 
Once I was cleared of all the blood clots I was going to make a call to my friend a personal trainer (Thank you Jillian Rowe  for believing in me)and I was going to forever abandon my old ways… I was going to be in “control”…!! 

This story has a very happy ending…
I did it!  I was tipping the scale in Jan over 240 I am way under 200…!  I am now a L were I was a XXL I am a 14 were I was a size 20/22. 
How did I do it?

I was accountable!
I did 9 5k’s!
I allowed myself to make mistakes!
I allowed myself to be human!
I went back myself loving myself!! 

That’s how!  Listen, I make it sound easy!  It’s not.  It’s a long hard road.  I am not going to sugar coat.  I did this through blood, sweat and tears! 

You never know what your tomorrow holds.  So, cherish each day! Respect your body!  One day you will need it to be strong!

Resolutions… Forgivness… And Good Will…

12 Dec
If you didn’t know i have a new blog it’s called Savvy Army Wife
It’s not just for Army Wives it’s for everybody…  i am still cultivating it and I am in the process of moving it over to WordPress, blue host and I are not getting along right now…  Over the holidays I hope to have everything moved… I even have my own email so, it’s going to be a process…  I wanted to share this with my readers over here…

Now is the time everybody is thinking about Resolutions…

I can proudly say I made it a whole year and I kept my resolution and that was to lose weight!  I went from a size 22/24 to a size 14 and if I want a muffin top a 12.(So, i will keep it at a 14)  I now fit into a large shirt…  This wasn’t easy…  This has been the hardest thing I have ever have to do.  But, I did it and if I can do it ANYBODY can! 

Another thing i did was conquer a fear.   My fear of Bridges.  I ran the Savannah Bridge Run…  I didn’t think about time, or speed the point is.. I did it!  I made it… And for the person who told me i couldn’t…  Well, I showed you didn’t I!? 

The other thing I did was…  Forgive and Forget and I hope that it’s the start of a “do-over”  I know I am being cryptic but, I have done my fair share of not being a nice person.  I reached out to somebody that I never thought or even imagine I could.  And she in return, was very receptive to me.  I didn’t know what to expect what I open the email, all I know is that I was shaking and I had tears running down my eyes when I read this her response, I was blown away.  Truly from the bottom of my heart if you read this, you have NO idea what this gesture means to me.  I hope this is the start of healing.  I need to heal.  Hate is a cancer.  and I couldn’t have it in my life anymore.  I am trying to be a better person all the way around.  Love harder, give more and just set a better example of being a better person…  Her gesture alone made my Christmas!  I wish this person a lifetime of good will and blessings! 

Another thing I did was start school. 

If you don’t make resolutions, that’s OK…  I did…  And this year I kept every single one of them.  Sometimes you need a good ass whipping or eating humble pie and reach out.. 

I want to leave this with you, if you have forgotten what Christmas means… it’s a simple but, one of my favorite quotes of all time.  it’s the season of giving, it’s the season of forgiving and it’s the season of doing good deeds to human kind.  With all the hate in the world we need good: 

Charlie Brown: I guess you were right, Linus. I shouldn’t have picked this little tree. Everything I do turns into a disaster. I guess I really don’t know what Christmas is all about.
[shouting in desperation]
Charlie Brown: Isn’t there anyone who knows what Christmas is all about?
Linus Van Pelt: Sure, Charlie Brown, I can tell you what Christmas is all about.
[moves toward the center of the stage]
Linus Van Pelt: Lights, please.
[a spotlight shines on Linus]
Linus Van Pelt: “And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, ‘Fear not: for behold, I bring unto you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the City of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.’ And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, ‘Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.'”
[Linus picks up his blanket and walks back towards Charlie Brown]
Linus Van Pelt: That’s what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.
God Bless you all… 

Pay It Forward…

4 Dec

This week was National Pay it Forward Day, it was something that Facebook started.  And random acts of kindness are so hard to come by and,  me being very short of cash I did several “little” random acts of kindness.  I will not name all of them… Because that’s not what’s it’s about…
 But, I do want to talk about one.  There’s a program called A Cup of Joe for a Joe.   I donated to the program so, that soldiers overseas can get a cup of coffee it’s not much but, I figure…  What’s a few dollars compared to what they doing over there…  Fighting for our freedom and being so far away from home.  I want to share with you some of the responses I have gotten… 

3 Soldiers want to thank you for sending them a Cup of Joe!

Cup of Joe #1

Your message and gift of a CUP OF JOE was delivered to a Soldier serving at Iraq – Basrah in . They wanted to say thanks and make sure you knew your gift was received. Please see below for their note to you:

Thank you Schwartz Family this cup of Joe is greatly appreciated.

Cup of Joe #2

Your message and gift of a CUP OF JOE was delivered to a Soldier serving at Iraq – South Victory in Iraq. They wanted to say thanks and make sure you knew your gift was received. Please see below for their note to you:

Thanks so much for the cup of coffee! It’s especially appreciated this time of year. Not only is it Christmas Time, but it’s cold! I know we’re in the desert and all but it’s not hot all year round (thank goodness!) Thanks again and Merry Christmas! -PV2 Sarah Byrne

Cup of Joe #3

Your message and gift of a CUP OF JOE was delivered to a Soldier serving at Iraq – Tallil in Iraq. They wanted to say thanks and make sure you knew your gift was received. Please see below for their note to you:

Thank you very much for the cup of joe. Pay it Forward does work. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. I have about 40 days left so I am getting excited about coming home. Thanks again..

Thank you for those who serve in the Military!  God Bless you all!!

I’ve been talkin ****

29 Nov

I have an albatross to face!  Running 5k’s is cake.  I sign up, I show up, I get the t-shirt, I either bring it or I don’t…  Right? 
This weekend is the Savannah, GA Bridge Run.  Just thinking about it, my heart is racing, my palms are sweating, and I think I might puke before I finish this.  I am terrified of bridges.  I mean scared to death!  I want to run this race soooooooo BAD!!!!!!!!! 

This race will not be about running, it will be about conquering a fear.  I will not worry about time, speed or anything…  I will worry about surviving…  And just making it across the bridge…  My albatross…  I haven’t signed up for the race yet…  So, Here’s what I propose.  IF by the 1st.  The race is not closed.  I will sign up.  No turning back!  I will come in do the race.  Hope I don’t faint…  Or puke… 

Should I take a Xanax?
Should I take a paper bag?
Seriously guys I am freaking out…
What should I do?  How does one prepare it’s self when it’s trying to conquer something that has paralyzed them for so long? 
I am asking for words of wisdom… 
This is huge for me! 
I’m kicking ass and taking names….!! 

(no seriously HELP!!)

Santa Baby…

15 Nov

Since I am on a super tight budget, and I am not going to be getting anything for Christmas and it’s going to be all about the children this year…  ( BTW- I still believe in you because, I saw you on Peachtree the other night while I was out…  Or maybe it was those couple of cranberry’s and vodka’s I had… Either way I know you exist…)

I’ve been an awful good girl… I’ve said my prayers at night, and I’ve been good to human beings,
I’ve been careful with my cleavage!  (except in that one picture at geekend… Hey!  My button popped off)
We even got two rescue dogs!  I am not asking for much…  Just a few things..  Here’s my list:

I want an Ipad

I want a Mac Book!

I’d like a new iPhone, the twins poured maple syrup on mine! 

I want a pair of Christian Louboutin pumps The Elisa-100mm (I know that’s a tall order but, come on… I would love to strut around with those pumps…  Been lusting after red bottom pumps… Santa they are damn sexy you know they are!!)

I want from Tiffany and Co.  Elsa Peretti® Color by the Yard necklace in sterling silver with pink sapphires.

From Cartier I would like the black silk bracelet from the Trinity Collection

I would like a gift card from Fab’rik,Marc Jacobs, Macy’s, Victoria Secrets  (I will add more to this…)

Please, Please, Please Santa give me a trip to Islands of Adventure!!  I have to see Harry Potter Land!!  I have to!!

Santa I need new running shoes.. I am very proud to say I have worn mine out! 

I’d like a Birkin or a Coach Handbag… (sigh…)

I want my black Gucci Sunglasses back!

I want a Pisces Lolita Wineglass and a Queen Lolita Wineglass

I want hair extensions and eyelash extensions.  Because I heard on Jerseylicious the higher your hair is the closer you are to God and let’s face it…  I need to be as close to the man upstairs as I can! So, bring on the high hair!!!

A new make up set from Smashbox

Santa I’ve lost 80 pounds I have a TON of loose skin its gross…   I’d like a tummy tuck…  (I’d like new boobies… but, I think that’s super stretching it huh?)

A non-stop ever lasting gift card to Starbucks!

I would also,  like to win a small winnings of the lottery ( not big…) so, I can take my Girlfriends on a girl trip…  So, we can all refresh our soul!!  I think WE all need this!!

Please, help Nicole find a job!! 

Santa…  This is the most important one of all… Please let “J” get his GPS… I know all the other request have been really selfish and materialistic… But, really Santa…  I know my tree is going to be empty…  But, fill my heart with love this season…  Give “J” his Project Lifesaver bracelet! 

Love,

Me

*Negligence* – All The Colors of the Rainbow

8 Nov

I know it’s been since I have done an autism post…  I have been dormant..  The twins have taken the fight out of me….  But, here I am…  Why?  Because of this amazing women right here The Hopeful Elephant 
I have a very sad story but, true story to tell you… 
It’s mine. 
It’s hard. 
It’s embarrassing. 
It needs to be told. 

I sit here with a glass of wine and I don’t even know how to tell you guys.  I could go in straight for the kill and tell you guys that if you look hard enough  into my past…  you will find a DFACS case against me.  – That’s Founded.
Yeah, how about if I start with that… 

Winter 2005. 
It was a mild day not to “cold” about mid 60’s I was watching my nephew ( he was two at the time I was taking care of him because, my wonderful sister-in-law was indisposed as usual)
 He had the flu, the older two were in school. 

(Background information)
My daughter is “classic autistic”  she was known to be a flight risk…   What kid isn’t?  So, we had backward locks, at  our place

I digress… 
My nephew was spewing from both directions, to include getting puke all over me.  I had to bathe the kid.  I “thought” the back door was locked. (because I knew the front door was…  Because I am anal like that) We have dogs, so, that is the one that is most likely to be open…
 It wasn’t
Not only was the back door not locked the back gate wasn’t locked. 

Yeah…

Victoria got out. 

Not only did she get out, but, she undressed herself outside, she hated clothes…

(As, I sit here and write this, I think of everything I could have done differently… I could have taken Victoria into the bathroom with me… But, there was puke and poop all over the place, I could have locked her into  my parents room, but, I was afraid she would tear up their room and, I was afraid to piss them off…  I could have locked her in their room…  but, their was puke and poop in there too…  )
I had to clean myself up,  I had to clean the boy up and the bathroom…  (By the time I noticed my daughter gone the cops had been called.) 

I was frantically looking for my daughter…  I saw the cop car with my daughter being put in the back of the car… 
Can you imagine how I felt?
LOSER!!!!!
Not an ounce of “YAY” my daughter was found.  They told DFACS was being called…  “Negligence” is what they called it… 
Never mind the fact that I had a kid with the flu, the FLIPPIN REASONS WHY I HAD THE FLIPPIN TO BEGIN with!!!!  OR my health problems that I was going through ( Oh, yeah that’s a whole other story…)
“Negligence”
“Negligence”
Negligence (Lat. negligentia, from neglegere, to neglect, literally “not to pick up something”) is a legal concept in the common law legal systems mostly applied in tort cases to achieve monetary compensation (damages) for physical and mental injuries (not accidents).

Negligence is a type of tort or delict (also known as a civil wrong). “Negligence” is not the same as “carelessness”, because someone might be exercising as much care as they are capable of, yet still fall below the level of competence expected of them. It is the opposite of “diligence”. It can be generally defined as conduct that is culpable because it falls short of what a reasonable person would do to protect another individual from foreseeable risks of harm. In the words of Lord Blackburn,

“those who go personally or bring property where they know that they or it may come into collision with the persons or property of others have by law a duty cast upon them to use reasonable care and skill to avoid such a collision.”[citation needed]

Through civil litigation, if an injured person proves that another person acted negligently to cause his injury, he can recover damages to compensate for his harm. Proving a case for negligence can potentially entitle the injured plaintiff to compensation for harm to their body, property, mental well-being, financial status, or intimate relationships. However, because negligence cases are very fact-specific, this general definition does not fully explain the concept of when the law will require one person to compensate another for losses caused by accidental injury. Further, the law of negligence at common law is only one aspect of the law of liability. Although resulting damages must be proven in order to recover compensation in a negligence action, the nature and extent of those damages are not the primary focus of negligence cases.” – Wikipedia

DAFACS came in and searched through my home, violated my room, searched my drawers, looked through everything…  Thought I might be a drug user, looked through my parents room, looked through our refrigerator  I stood there frozen.  They asked me a dozen question.  And then it took about three weeks for the to make a desion for it to be an unfounded claim or a founded claim…  So, I had to  wait to see if my kids where going to be children of the state. 
I couldn’t imagine my  two autistic children, my two babies that I had worked so hard for, my two children that I had carried for 30 weeks, one for 36 weeks, in foster homes… 
I was a zombie.  I couldn’t do anything but, pray.  I woke up at night to make sure Victoria was in bed.  I only went out at night because OF COURSE the neighborhood knew!  CREEPS!!

So, DFACS came back and told me the claim was founded. But, by the grace of God my children could stay with me.  HOWEVER…  I now have a record like a criminal, like I did something wrong!!!!  So, the solution they gave me?  Get a crib and lock my daughter in the crib and lock her in the room…  I kid you NOT!!  I died! 
Like FOR-REAL!  LIKE REALLY FOR REAL!!! 
Trust me it has never happened again…  UNTIL….



A few weeks ago at Six Flags. 
With Honey.  That fast.  Accept.  My VERY smart daughter found a security guard. 
And we found her or she found us! 
In a split second…  And Honey is worse than I am, he watches over her like a damn hawk!!  And still!! 
It can happen to anybody! 
Guys…   We need to help! 
People like myself and The Hopeful Elephant need your help!!!