You, don’t get to steal my light!!

24 May

Never miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if you have to leave them alone in order to do it. ~Author Unknown

My coping mechanism pooped out on me…
In turn I checked out of life.
No, I mean it… like *poof*
I tried to end my life last Dec, so, I totally deserve the bat sh** crazy title! *HaHA*

How’s that for inspiration?

I had a public melt down, I call it doing a Charlie Sheen(so not winning)!! Accept, I wasn’t clever enough to come up with the whole tiger’s blood bit(dang). I was headed down a self destructive path, nothing and I mean nothing was bright and shiny, it was gloomy and dark… I prayed and got nothing out of it, for the first time in my life I felt like God wasn’t with me.
All I could think about was how could I block the pain..? How could I check out of life? How could I drown out all the bad news? Because, it came in droves… I had no silver lining, I had no hope, I had nothing and what was left was an empty shell of a person.
Now you might be thinking to yourself… What on earth?
You’re so strong..
You. Have. No. Idea

I left no note. I was very serious about killing myself. I didn’t reach out to anybody. I wasn’t trying to get attention. The day I did it… I took a fist full of pills and chased it will a glass of alcohol, and, I fell asleep…
The husband found me woke me up and asked me… “What are you doing?”
/>I think I said, “sleeping, and hoping to never wake up”
After that point…
He wasn’t nice to me… He made me vomit… Over and over again.. That’s how it should be… I didn’t deserve a kind person…
I should have gone to the hospital, I refused… I am a psych major I know what they do to people like me…
After that, I agreed to get help…
I was put on medication… I was given a buncha appointments for therapy sessions and now…
I’m recovering.. I’m going to church, I put on clean clothes, I cook, I enjoy life, I finally have peace in my soul.
I digress…
I was diagnosed with clinical depression. It was just a matter of time, I suffer from PTSD, so i wasnt shocked when I was stamped with “Clinical Depression…” Shrugs… It’s Ok… I made my bed… I’ll lay in it…
I will not discuss what got me to that point. It’s an awful equation,,,
I do not like the dark and twisties, that’s why I got help.

I realize by writing this I’m opening up myself for judgement and ridicule, which is fine … Because, that’s how the world rolls… I know people will expect me to be shameful of what I did. Trust me the shame came, when I had to walk into church and face God. I’ve already sorted through those cards already. My God is not a God of anger but love and he has put his arms around me and has forgiven me. So, I don’t need anybody shaking the finger at me. What I hope is that some of you come forward and say yes, D I too am the face of _______ (insert your mental health issue here) Do not live in shame. Help other people understand what you are going through, granted you might have the stigma of she is “crazy” but, if we stand together arm in arm as a collective team, we can show the world that even the bravest and the might suffer too!

I have my dark days … They don’t come that often, but I can cope better… So, right now, all I have left is my sense of humor, and my snark, and I continue to have that because that’s how I deal with my pain, and with my dark days. And I will continue with help. I will no longer be ashamed. It was a super hard pill to swallow. (ba-dump-bump)
I know of people who are going through really bad times. But, just because you are going through a bad time you don’t get to come into my SPACE and push your bad time on me.. Nobody has those rights to take out hate, anger, frustrarions out on anybody just because… They are hurting….

Nobody gets to come and steal my light… After months of me digging myself out of hell…
All I have is my sense of humor and my faith…
You don’t get to steal my light…

Advertisements

Demons…

12 May

I know these blog post’s have been heavy. This one is no different…. it is something that needs to come into life. Maybe I can heal?

I die inside every single time I see a post about a women being attacked… It never gets any easier… Because it reminds me about the time I was date raped. Sadly, this is so common. And like myself it’s never reported, it’s never out in the open.. And like myself you live in shame.
And like myself words spread you are “easy”, I lost my boyfriend because, he thought I had “slept around” The guy who did this to me… Paraded his “conquest” in everybody’s face… Word spread about the “fun time he had with my body” — Yet, he left out one main fact: I was passed out, when I did come to, to find this sweaty hot body on top of mine.. He covered my mouth so I couldn’t scream… I died that day… A part of my soul is gone.. Still to think about it.. I am shaking..
I was so so so stupid, young, trusting… 17 hardly an adult.
A question was asked. “When does one get over being raped?”
Here is the hard ugly facts… You never do!
You never get over it.
You are reminded of it every time you read something, see something on TV and when it happens to somebody you know. The pain comes back. The dirty feeling surfaces. You die inside all over again.
What you do learn is to cope.
You learn to live with the fact that you have been violated.. For me… It was something I thought I deserved. I should have never gotten drunk. I knew underage drinking was bad. A sin. So, I totally deserved it.
So, I lived with this …
It wasn’t until I was much older that I took back control! Rape isn’t a crime of passion, it’s about control. I guess, I had emasculated this guy so, he thought he would “teach me a lesson” …
I’m here to tell you it’s never your fault to get raped. It’s never your fault to be violated.

From that point, I thought I was trash. I made all the wrong choices. Got into a horrible abusive marriage. Both physically and mental. I didn’t think I deserved any better… And again… Was robbed of so much. I was nothing and that is what I thought I deserved!
But you don’t. nobody does.

I lived like that for years. Darkest days of my life…
I ask that you not say to me “I’m sorry” I ask that you see the strength it took for me to come forward and tell you about my past, my short coming…
My hope is that were I failed YOU my reader… Take a bigger stand that I could not take! I’m facing my demons. My eating disorder, me being violated…

What are you facing? What deep secrets do you have locked away? Take off the face of shame. Come forward… Don’t live in shame… Take. Back. Control…

I just did … So. Can.You!

I’m doing it so can you…

9 May

 I started a blog post… And it wasn’t jiving with me.  I even had a case of writers block…
Talking about recovering from bulimia is hard… 
But, I want it to talk about it…  I want people to know about the harm,  bulimia has on the body both physically and mentally.  Then, today I saw a tweet talking New Years Resolutions. The light went off!!  Like most people I make them, and like most people I never keep them.   Accept last year.  I keep every single last one of them!

I was accountable!
I lost weight!
I got healthy!
I did 9 5k’s!
I allowed myself to make mistakes!
I allowed myself to be human!
I went back myself loving myself!! 

In 2009 I almost died from what was supposed to be a “simple procedure”,  I was 33 and I had to get a partial hysterectomy.  What I walked away with was; Pulmonary emboli, a stay in ICU, two weeks in the hospital, two pints of blood later …  Not to mention my year’s recovery process,  oh and then the domino effect it had on my health. 

I went back into the hospital a month later to be diagnosed with pusedo tumor cerebri.  (Say that fast five times! Ha) 
Oh, I am just warming up! 
That’s when I was told, “if you lose weight it will help your condition”
I died inside.
I thought about all the abuse I had ever done to my body.
All those years of laxatives, bingeing and purging, diuretics…
I needed to make serious changes!
I couldn’t live like this..
My body still needed to heal.
My soul…
My mind…
Finally.
Healed.
I got out of the hospital with another round of meds on Dec 31…  Where I made this promise to myself.  “I promised to lose weight the healthy way.  For family.  For myself!” 
Once I was cleared of all the blood clots I was going to make a call to my friend a personal trainer (Thank you Jillian Rowe  for believing in me)and I was going to forever abandon my old ways… I was going to be in “control”…!! 

This story has a very happy ending…
I did it!  I was tipping the scale in Jan over 240 I am way under 200…!  I am now a L were I was a XXL I am a 14 were I was a size 20/22. 
How did I do it?

I was accountable!
I did 9 5k’s!
I allowed myself to make mistakes!
I allowed myself to be human!
I went back myself loving myself!! 

That’s how!  Listen, I make it sound easy!  It’s not.  It’s a long hard road.  I am not going to sugar coat.  I did this through blood, sweat and tears! 

You never know what your tomorrow holds.  So, cherish each day! Respect your body!  One day you will need it to be strong!

Resolutions… Forgivness… And Good Will…

12 Dec
If you didn’t know i have a new blog it’s called Savvy Army Wife
It’s not just for Army Wives it’s for everybody…  i am still cultivating it and I am in the process of moving it over to WordPress, blue host and I are not getting along right now…  Over the holidays I hope to have everything moved… I even have my own email so, it’s going to be a process…  I wanted to share this with my readers over here…

Now is the time everybody is thinking about Resolutions…

I can proudly say I made it a whole year and I kept my resolution and that was to lose weight!  I went from a size 22/24 to a size 14 and if I want a muffin top a 12.(So, i will keep it at a 14)  I now fit into a large shirt…  This wasn’t easy…  This has been the hardest thing I have ever have to do.  But, I did it and if I can do it ANYBODY can! 

Another thing i did was conquer a fear.   My fear of Bridges.  I ran the Savannah Bridge Run…  I didn’t think about time, or speed the point is.. I did it!  I made it… And for the person who told me i couldn’t…  Well, I showed you didn’t I!? 

The other thing I did was…  Forgive and Forget and I hope that it’s the start of a “do-over”  I know I am being cryptic but, I have done my fair share of not being a nice person.  I reached out to somebody that I never thought or even imagine I could.  And she in return, was very receptive to me.  I didn’t know what to expect what I open the email, all I know is that I was shaking and I had tears running down my eyes when I read this her response, I was blown away.  Truly from the bottom of my heart if you read this, you have NO idea what this gesture means to me.  I hope this is the start of healing.  I need to heal.  Hate is a cancer.  and I couldn’t have it in my life anymore.  I am trying to be a better person all the way around.  Love harder, give more and just set a better example of being a better person…  Her gesture alone made my Christmas!  I wish this person a lifetime of good will and blessings! 

Another thing I did was start school. 

If you don’t make resolutions, that’s OK…  I did…  And this year I kept every single one of them.  Sometimes you need a good ass whipping or eating humble pie and reach out.. 

I want to leave this with you, if you have forgotten what Christmas means… it’s a simple but, one of my favorite quotes of all time.  it’s the season of giving, it’s the season of forgiving and it’s the season of doing good deeds to human kind.  With all the hate in the world we need good: 

Charlie Brown: I guess you were right, Linus. I shouldn’t have picked this little tree. Everything I do turns into a disaster. I guess I really don’t know what Christmas is all about.
[shouting in desperation]
Charlie Brown: Isn’t there anyone who knows what Christmas is all about?
Linus Van Pelt: Sure, Charlie Brown, I can tell you what Christmas is all about.
[moves toward the center of the stage]
Linus Van Pelt: Lights, please.
[a spotlight shines on Linus]
Linus Van Pelt: “And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, ‘Fear not: for behold, I bring unto you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the City of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.’ And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, ‘Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.'”
[Linus picks up his blanket and walks back towards Charlie Brown]
Linus Van Pelt: That’s what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.
God Bless you all… 

Pay It Forward…

4 Dec

This week was National Pay it Forward Day, it was something that Facebook started.  And random acts of kindness are so hard to come by and,  me being very short of cash I did several “little” random acts of kindness.  I will not name all of them… Because that’s not what’s it’s about…
 But, I do want to talk about one.  There’s a program called A Cup of Joe for a Joe.   I donated to the program so, that soldiers overseas can get a cup of coffee it’s not much but, I figure…  What’s a few dollars compared to what they doing over there…  Fighting for our freedom and being so far away from home.  I want to share with you some of the responses I have gotten… 

3 Soldiers want to thank you for sending them a Cup of Joe!

Cup of Joe #1

Your message and gift of a CUP OF JOE was delivered to a Soldier serving at Iraq – Basrah in . They wanted to say thanks and make sure you knew your gift was received. Please see below for their note to you:

Thank you Schwartz Family this cup of Joe is greatly appreciated.

Cup of Joe #2

Your message and gift of a CUP OF JOE was delivered to a Soldier serving at Iraq – South Victory in Iraq. They wanted to say thanks and make sure you knew your gift was received. Please see below for their note to you:

Thanks so much for the cup of coffee! It’s especially appreciated this time of year. Not only is it Christmas Time, but it’s cold! I know we’re in the desert and all but it’s not hot all year round (thank goodness!) Thanks again and Merry Christmas! -PV2 Sarah Byrne

Cup of Joe #3

Your message and gift of a CUP OF JOE was delivered to a Soldier serving at Iraq – Tallil in Iraq. They wanted to say thanks and make sure you knew your gift was received. Please see below for their note to you:

Thank you very much for the cup of joe. Pay it Forward does work. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. I have about 40 days left so I am getting excited about coming home. Thanks again..

Thank you for those who serve in the Military!  God Bless you all!!

I’ve been talkin ****

29 Nov

I have an albatross to face!  Running 5k’s is cake.  I sign up, I show up, I get the t-shirt, I either bring it or I don’t…  Right? 
This weekend is the Savannah, GA Bridge Run.  Just thinking about it, my heart is racing, my palms are sweating, and I think I might puke before I finish this.  I am terrified of bridges.  I mean scared to death!  I want to run this race soooooooo BAD!!!!!!!!! 

This race will not be about running, it will be about conquering a fear.  I will not worry about time, speed or anything…  I will worry about surviving…  And just making it across the bridge…  My albatross…  I haven’t signed up for the race yet…  So, Here’s what I propose.  IF by the 1st.  The race is not closed.  I will sign up.  No turning back!  I will come in do the race.  Hope I don’t faint…  Or puke… 

Should I take a Xanax?
Should I take a paper bag?
Seriously guys I am freaking out…
What should I do?  How does one prepare it’s self when it’s trying to conquer something that has paralyzed them for so long? 
I am asking for words of wisdom… 
This is huge for me! 
I’m kicking ass and taking names….!! 

(no seriously HELP!!)

Santa Baby…

15 Nov

Since I am on a super tight budget, and I am not going to be getting anything for Christmas and it’s going to be all about the children this year…  ( BTW- I still believe in you because, I saw you on Peachtree the other night while I was out…  Or maybe it was those couple of cranberry’s and vodka’s I had… Either way I know you exist…)

I’ve been an awful good girl… I’ve said my prayers at night, and I’ve been good to human beings,
I’ve been careful with my cleavage!  (except in that one picture at geekend… Hey!  My button popped off)
We even got two rescue dogs!  I am not asking for much…  Just a few things..  Here’s my list:

I want an Ipad

I want a Mac Book!

I’d like a new iPhone, the twins poured maple syrup on mine! 

I want a pair of Christian Louboutin pumps The Elisa-100mm (I know that’s a tall order but, come on… I would love to strut around with those pumps…  Been lusting after red bottom pumps… Santa they are damn sexy you know they are!!)

I want from Tiffany and Co.  Elsa Peretti® Color by the Yard necklace in sterling silver with pink sapphires.

From Cartier I would like the black silk bracelet from the Trinity Collection

I would like a gift card from Fab’rik,Marc Jacobs, Macy’s, Victoria Secrets  (I will add more to this…)

Please, Please, Please Santa give me a trip to Islands of Adventure!!  I have to see Harry Potter Land!!  I have to!!

Santa I need new running shoes.. I am very proud to say I have worn mine out! 

I’d like a Birkin or a Coach Handbag… (sigh…)

I want my black Gucci Sunglasses back!

I want a Pisces Lolita Wineglass and a Queen Lolita Wineglass

I want hair extensions and eyelash extensions.  Because I heard on Jerseylicious the higher your hair is the closer you are to God and let’s face it…  I need to be as close to the man upstairs as I can! So, bring on the high hair!!!

A new make up set from Smashbox

Santa I’ve lost 80 pounds I have a TON of loose skin its gross…   I’d like a tummy tuck…  (I’d like new boobies… but, I think that’s super stretching it huh?)

A non-stop ever lasting gift card to Starbucks!

I would also,  like to win a small winnings of the lottery ( not big…) so, I can take my Girlfriends on a girl trip…  So, we can all refresh our soul!!  I think WE all need this!!

Please, help Nicole find a job!! 

Santa…  This is the most important one of all… Please let “J” get his GPS… I know all the other request have been really selfish and materialistic… But, really Santa…  I know my tree is going to be empty…  But, fill my heart with love this season…  Give “J” his Project Lifesaver bracelet! 

Love,

Me