Has it really been that long…

Notice I didn’t put the question mark? Because I know how long it has been. WOW! Oops…  I am not going to be using all caps, I just thought that this one time it was appropriate…
I cannot even tell you how my life has changed. Lets see, the twins are ten. The boy and the girl 18 and 17. I am 41 42? Shit…  I will ask the man when he is lucid.
Still making the same stupid mistakes I made ten years ago. I know shame on me. In other ways I have grown.  Like… Oh, I have no idea. Give me a moment it will come to me.  Maybe I haven’t changed?  Wiser?  Maybe not? I cannot even remember how old I am.  I think once you become a certain age, it just doesn’t matter.  Creams – now that matters!  Oh, and eye creams those matter.  (ha)
To be honest I have no idea where to start? Should I just jump in? or should I start where I left off?
What’s the fun in that?
Always keeping them wanting more?
No, clue?

If you came here to think I am going to gossip or talk about this or that, you’re wrong. Very wrong. See I guess I have learned a few things. I have no juicy stuff to give you.  Well, that is so not true. But, that would be tacky of me. So, I think I will just write about my teachable moments. I have picked up on this journey of my ever evolving self.  Somebody once said a person can’t change.
I do not know about that. I would like to believe that people can see the error their ways and long to become a better person.
But, I have seen the worst in humans and honestly? That’s all I have seen.  That is what I have taken away from this journey, the worst in human beings. My glass is full with craft beer. So, I could be seeing things through the clarity of my thick stout.
Where have the good gone? I have found *some* good.  But, for the most part, I keep people at an arms length.  Shifty was what it was called. (Not to be confused with Shwifty). Ah, yes we will discuss that topic at a later date.
I was once told I was, “trying to fit in with the cool people”. Fuck that! And are you fucking kidding me? I have seen what the cool crowd can bring to the table.  Yeah, how about no thanks.
I do have a few good people in my life.  My circle is super small, and where it seems like I have a lot of friends, those people would be very shocked to know just how little they do know about me.
I will just stick to people thinking I am nothing more then a pretty face trying, no begging to be part of cool kids …. Serislouly though I hope your liver gives out. (joking)
Oh, please forgive me, I have developed a sick dry sense of humor. Sorry.

I have broken up with alcohol on a certain level. I am no longer a cheap drunk.  This women here is a very expensive drunk, thank you very much.  So, that has changed.  Tap… Tap… This thing even on?

I guess we will see…
Buckle up bitches we are in for one hell of a ride!  I’m back!  Ready….? Ok…  See you soon!

I’m fighting Zombies!

I am on this top-secret mission to kill zombies that the government is trying to keep from the public.  Is a matter of a fact you reading this could totally put yourself in danger.  You have been warned!

(True Story)

I could totally re-hash how shitty things have been.  What’s the point?  Trust me when I say as of right now.  (Aside from killing Zombies)  My world is awesome.

 

 

I’ve been found out…

This is no longer my safe haven.   Whereas, people know me but, I’ve got some big stuff going on right now and I need an outlet.  I have started another blog and if you are interested in reading that… Then, I will be more then happy to give you the address.  If not then…  This blog is not going to be ont he same topics as it has been since I have started.  It will be about “stuff”  …

Thank you for all the support you have given me over the years. It means more to me then you’ll ever know!  Even the haters and the trolls.  You provided me with awesome entertainment.

So, I will catch you on the “lighter” side.  So, respond here if you would like to know my other blog!

He. Lied.

“I’ll never hurt you”
Then why did you throw me down the stairs.
“I’ll never cheat on you”
Then why all those women?”
“I am not like other men”
No, you are worse.
“I love you”
He couldn’t even say if he ever did…  I was a “great time”

I have a sordid past.

I am ok with that.

A couple of years ago, I got an email that stopped me in my tracks.
I came face to face with a man I literally ran away from.
I left like a thief in the night.  I can remember it like it was yesterday.  Had I not left, I have no idea where I would be.  Maybe six feet under.

The day I went back into the house, to pack my bag, I remember going room by room…  Remembering every little bit of happiness and pain.  It was like a moving picture that was being played out in front of me. I looked at the wall he threw me against.  I leaned up against it and cried the saddest cry you ever heard.
I knew I was never coming back.

The night before he left to go be with the women he was cheating on me with, I begged him not to leave me.  I look back and that is my one regret…
Begging…
One of the last things he told me was…  “Where is your dignity?”
I will never forget it.  Best thing he ever said to me.

I packed my two bags and left…  Leaving behind a whole world of “stuff’  I rebuilt my life on two suit cases.

The email…

You might be thinking did I email back?

Yes…

His life…  Turned out to be crap.  Were he would chastise me about my weight, he had gained 300 pounds…
He “love” of his life left him..
The daughter I called my step-daughter turned out …  Wasn’t his…
He still has to pay child support…
He was wounded in war and was medically discharged from the Army, I knew just what that did to him.  Damn fine solider.  Just a low-life of a man…
Do I hate him?
No, I wouldn’t be half the women I am without him.
“Where’s your dignity?”
Best. Thing. Ever!

If you are in an abusive relationship.  You can get help.  Reach out.  Get out.  If I did it anybody can.  Trust me.  Your soul will thank you.

I’ll start by drinking old cheap bottles of wine…

I am not going to make it here…
I can feel my tank dipping out really quick.
I thought coming “home” I would feel free…  Nope…  It’s worse here then in my other situation.
No cryptic blog…
It’s all out honesty..

Remember that blog post I wrote about how we need to be more courteous to people?  Because everybody you meet is fighting a battle?(you know the one I talk about trying to  off myself!)  Well a supposed friend (who is no longer a friend…) Took the blog post totally out of context and make it all about her…  Never mind the blog was a “blanket” statement I never mentioned her…  I never said anything about her…  She called me a Bitch, and a five-year old… Blah blah blah…
Then I said I had a fracture on my lower back and she fired back with ” I got what I deserved for being mean…  That was my KARMA”
In turn…I guess every BAD that is going on in her family they deserve it just as equally because they must have been mean…  It’s her family’s Karma…
How stupid does that sound…?? I even snorted out loud typing that…
Again…My tank is empty…

Were is my tolerance?
Why can’t I just have tolerance for people?
I mean how much do I have tolerate?  I know, I know… I am Christian and what would Jesus do?  Right…??
What happens when my sanity depends on things being just right in my world?  Adapt?
What if you feel your light and fire slowly burning?
Pray harder?
I guess… I will remain stead fast as I have through all these month and continue to fight!
What else can I do…?  It’s not like I can try and off myself again.. I tried that and failed… So, I gues I am supposed to live!  HAHA!!

So, I will go and pick up a bottle of wine… Have a glass and just see what new adventures await me…
In the mean time I will keep myself out of a padded room!  Sounds good!  Thanks for coming by!  XOXOXOX

A big thank you to those who supported me with that blog post…  It was a hard one to write… It took courage and guts… You guys rock!

The Thyroid… It controls everything!

One of the contributing factors to my Charlie Sheen-esque break down is… A little butterfly gland in the throat called the thyroid gland…
( I’m #actually convinced this is how the aliens keep track of us. For realz yo! )

I was first diagnosed with *hypothyroidism* back in 08 and I was put on medication. It was awesome! I felt great …
I went back in for my blood work a month later, and my Dr took me off of the medication, and I tanked, hard! I was depressed, tiered all the time, I was in a non-stop bad mood it was the worst… I lived in misery

Fast forward to 10, another Dr drew my blood and was shocked! He told me he didn’t know how I functioned. And put me back on synthroid(?), In no time was back to my jovial self- happy, I had energy it wad awesome! Everything was right in my world!
When moved to the Atlanta area, I didn’t find a Dr. right away… Shame on me!

During the summer my hair fell out in clumps… I had NO idea what was going on… I started having my first thoughts about ending my life, I cried all the time… Again I was miserable… Still on the medication but miserable!

When I ran out of my script I knew I was in trouble. So I went down the street to a Doc-in-the-Box…
They drew my blood gave me a 10 day script and told me they would see me in a few days..
Got the phone call and I was told I needed to go up to the office they needed to discuss my results with me… The dr told me I had Hyperthyroidism (say what?? … I called BS) and she wanted to take me off the meds… I broke down in her office … She said she would put me in the lowest dose … I cried!
Long story short… I was misdiagnosed but it took me being hospitalized in the beginning of this year, for them to catch it…Now I am on triple the amount of snythroid that I was on before…Not everything is right in my world, but, I can cope better. I’ve lost a great deal of weight, my hair is growing back … The world isn’t a dark and gloomy place. It can be, depression isn’t something that just goes *poof* and it’s gone. You have to work at it.
But I know that my thyroid plays a huge part of it.
Point to this is. Make sure you get your yearly check up. Especially if you are over 30 make sure you get your thyroid check. Also, make sure you don’t have a family history. Because, hyper & hypo thyroids run in the family.

And that was the just the start of my journey!

40 before 40 …

Well, Un-Judgement Day came and went…
The Twittah, was all abuzz! And it was grand! (because The Friends over on The Facebook… Just don’t care!)
My good friend over at My Beautiful Chaos tagged me in a “bucket list” post I had already started one… It is my 40 before 40 so I will go ahead and share some of these with you…

1. Do 3 marathons in a year
2. See a Cubbies vs Braves game
3. Become a triathlete
4. Dip my feet in a clear blue ocean
5. Buy a big floppy hat and rock it
6. See the Kentucky Derby up close and personal
7. Maintain my goal weight
8. See Chris Tomlin in concert
9. Do a project 365
10. Go to a Daytona 500
11. Go to Carlitos Bakery
12. Learn how to sew
13. Learn how to make a killer cupcake
14. Go back to Niagara Falls
15. Take a cruise
16. Go see Harry Potter land
17. Do a muddy buddy
18. Learn how to make wine
19. Grow something…

You, don’t get to steal my light!!

Never miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if you have to leave them alone in order to do it. ~Author Unknown

My coping mechanism pooped out on me…
In turn I checked out of life.
No, I mean it… like *poof*
I tried to end my life last Dec, so, I totally deserve the bat sh** crazy title! *HaHA*

How’s that for inspiration?

I had a public melt down, I call it doing a Charlie Sheen(so not winning)!! Accept, I wasn’t clever enough to come up with the whole tiger’s blood bit(dang). I was headed down a self destructive path, nothing and I mean nothing was bright and shiny, it was gloomy and dark… I prayed and got nothing out of it, for the first time in my life I felt like God wasn’t with me.
All I could think about was how could I block the pain..? How could I check out of life? How could I drown out all the bad news? Because, it came in droves… I had no silver lining, I had no hope, I had nothing and what was left was an empty shell of a person.
Now you might be thinking to yourself… What on earth?
You’re so strong..
You. Have. No. Idea

I left no note. I was very serious about killing myself. I didn’t reach out to anybody. I wasn’t trying to get attention. The day I did it… I took a fist full of pills and chased it will a glass of alcohol, and, I fell asleep…
The husband found me woke me up and asked me… “What are you doing?”
/>I think I said, “sleeping, and hoping to never wake up”
After that point…
He wasn’t nice to me… He made me vomit… Over and over again.. That’s how it should be… I didn’t deserve a kind person…
I should have gone to the hospital, I refused… I am a psych major I know what they do to people like me…
After that, I agreed to get help…
I was put on medication… I was given a buncha appointments for therapy sessions and now…
I’m recovering.. I’m going to church, I put on clean clothes, I cook, I enjoy life, I finally have peace in my soul.
I digress…
I was diagnosed with clinical depression. It was just a matter of time, I suffer from PTSD, so i wasnt shocked when I was stamped with “Clinical Depression…” Shrugs… It’s Ok… I made my bed… I’ll lay in it…
I will not discuss what got me to that point. It’s an awful equation,,,
I do not like the dark and twisties, that’s why I got help.

I realize by writing this I’m opening up myself for judgement and ridicule, which is fine … Because, that’s how the world rolls… I know people will expect me to be shameful of what I did. Trust me the shame came, when I had to walk into church and face God. I’ve already sorted through those cards already. My God is not a God of anger but love and he has put his arms around me and has forgiven me. So, I don’t need anybody shaking the finger at me. What I hope is that some of you come forward and say yes, D I too am the face of _______ (insert your mental health issue here) Do not live in shame. Help other people understand what you are going through, granted you might have the stigma of she is “crazy” but, if we stand together arm in arm as a collective team, we can show the world that even the bravest and the might suffer too!

I have my dark days … They don’t come that often, but I can cope better… So, right now, all I have left is my sense of humor, and my snark, and I continue to have that because that’s how I deal with my pain, and with my dark days. And I will continue with help. I will no longer be ashamed. It was a super hard pill to swallow. (ba-dump-bump)
I know of people who are going through really bad times. But, just because you are going through a bad time you don’t get to come into my SPACE and push your bad time on me.. Nobody has those rights to take out hate, anger, frustrarions out on anybody just because… They are hurting….

Nobody gets to come and steal my light… After months of me digging myself out of hell…
All I have is my sense of humor and my faith…
You don’t get to steal my light…

Demons…

I know these blog post’s have been heavy. This one is no different…. it is something that needs to come into life. Maybe I can heal?

I die inside every single time I see a post about a women being attacked… It never gets any easier… Because it reminds me about the time I was date raped. Sadly, this is so common. And like myself it’s never reported, it’s never out in the open.. And like myself you live in shame.
And like myself words spread you are “easy”, I lost my boyfriend because, he thought I had “slept around” The guy who did this to me… Paraded his “conquest” in everybody’s face… Word spread about the “fun time he had with my body” — Yet, he left out one main fact: I was passed out, when I did come to, to find this sweaty hot body on top of mine.. He covered my mouth so I couldn’t scream… I died that day… A part of my soul is gone.. Still to think about it.. I am shaking..
I was so so so stupid, young, trusting… 17 hardly an adult.
A question was asked. “When does one get over being raped?”
Here is the hard ugly facts… You never do!
You never get over it.
You are reminded of it every time you read something, see something on TV and when it happens to somebody you know. The pain comes back. The dirty feeling surfaces. You die inside all over again.
What you do learn is to cope.
You learn to live with the fact that you have been violated.. For me… It was something I thought I deserved. I should have never gotten drunk. I knew underage drinking was bad. A sin. So, I totally deserved it.
So, I lived with this …
It wasn’t until I was much older that I took back control! Rape isn’t a crime of passion, it’s about control. I guess, I had emasculated this guy so, he thought he would “teach me a lesson” …
I’m here to tell you it’s never your fault to get raped. It’s never your fault to be violated.

From that point, I thought I was trash. I made all the wrong choices. Got into a horrible abusive marriage. Both physically and mental. I didn’t think I deserved any better… And again… Was robbed of so much. I was nothing and that is what I thought I deserved!
But you don’t. nobody does.

I lived like that for years. Darkest days of my life…
I ask that you not say to me “I’m sorry” I ask that you see the strength it took for me to come forward and tell you about my past, my short coming…
My hope is that were I failed YOU my reader… Take a bigger stand that I could not take! I’m facing my demons. My eating disorder, me being violated…

What are you facing? What deep secrets do you have locked away? Take off the face of shame. Come forward… Don’t live in shame… Take. Back. Control…

I just did … So. Can.You!

I’m doing it so can you…

 I started a blog post… And it wasn’t jiving with me.  I even had a case of writers block…
Talking about recovering from bulimia is hard… 
But, I want it to talk about it…  I want people to know about the harm,  bulimia has on the body both physically and mentally.  Then, today I saw a tweet talking New Years Resolutions. The light went off!!  Like most people I make them, and like most people I never keep them.   Accept last year.  I keep every single last one of them!

I was accountable!
I lost weight!
I got healthy!
I did 9 5k’s!
I allowed myself to make mistakes!
I allowed myself to be human!
I went back myself loving myself!! 

In 2009 I almost died from what was supposed to be a “simple procedure”,  I was 33 and I had to get a partial hysterectomy.  What I walked away with was; Pulmonary emboli, a stay in ICU, two weeks in the hospital, two pints of blood later …  Not to mention my year’s recovery process,  oh and then the domino effect it had on my health. 

I went back into the hospital a month later to be diagnosed with pusedo tumor cerebri.  (Say that fast five times! Ha) 
Oh, I am just warming up! 
That’s when I was told, “if you lose weight it will help your condition”
I died inside.
I thought about all the abuse I had ever done to my body.
All those years of laxatives, bingeing and purging, diuretics…
I needed to make serious changes!
I couldn’t live like this..
My body still needed to heal.
My soul…
My mind…
Finally.
Healed.
I got out of the hospital with another round of meds on Dec 31…  Where I made this promise to myself.  “I promised to lose weight the healthy way.  For family.  For myself!” 
Once I was cleared of all the blood clots I was going to make a call to my friend a personal trainer (Thank you Jillian Rowe  for believing in me)and I was going to forever abandon my old ways… I was going to be in “control”…!! 

This story has a very happy ending…
I did it!  I was tipping the scale in Jan over 240 I am way under 200…!  I am now a L were I was a XXL I am a 14 were I was a size 20/22. 
How did I do it?

I was accountable!
I did 9 5k’s!
I allowed myself to make mistakes!
I allowed myself to be human!
I went back myself loving myself!! 

That’s how!  Listen, I make it sound easy!  It’s not.  It’s a long hard road.  I am not going to sugar coat.  I did this through blood, sweat and tears! 

You never know what your tomorrow holds.  So, cherish each day! Respect your body!  One day you will need it to be strong!